The Humor Project
It’s Summer. Time to Pitch.
June 27, 2019
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etcguy Millers collosal beef frankfurtersSo God has a lava lamp.   I’m cool with that.” Tom Bodett, pitchman for Motel 6

 

He made a career pitching hotel rooms.

In the mid 1980’s Tom Bodett lived in Homer, Alaska, the southernmost town in the state’s highway system.  An outpost 200 miles south of Anchorage at the end of the road, Bodett was a writer, building contractor, and commentator on local National Public Radio (NPR).   Bodett was discovered by a Dallas based advertising agency promoting a hotel chain in the midst of rebranding, Motel 6.  Agency representatives heard one of Bodett’s stories and hired him to promote the chain, exclaiming “he sounded like the kind of person that stay’s there.”  Bodett’s initial Motel 6 ads were test marketed in Texas and California.  Needless to say, the Motel 6 brand was built around a guy who promised to “leave the light on for you.”

I decided to try pitching of my own, specifically for Miller’s Colossal Beef Frankfurters.  I bought a pack to see if I liked ‘em.  I did, and not because they’re named Miller.  It’s because Millers Hot Dogs are great.  The following  pitches appeared on my Etc. Guy Facebook page and generated many comments and jokes.  What the heck.   Bodett developed a career pitching a product that serves a basic human need.  He pitched for shelter.  I’ll pitch for food.

But until I’m hired by an advertising agency that promotes red hots I’ll keep my day job.

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etcguy with Millers colossalMILLER COLOSSAL BEEF FRANKFURTERS – TAKE 1

Hi there, I’m Eric Miller, creator, author and editor of the Etc.Guy blog. I’m a married father of two daughters who’s trapped in a house full of estrogen but lives to tell the story. I’m also an ex-jock-has-been-athlete who still plays hockey. And NOW…I’m the unofficial spokesman for Miller’s Colossal Beef Frankfurters. I tell ya folks, I ate four Miller’s Colossal Beef Frankfurters before my last game. I scored a goal and got an assist. Miller’s Colossal Beef Frankfurters are honestly, COLOSSAL. They’re HUGE. They’re thicker than a hockey stick. Or garden hose. One Miller’s Colossal Beef Frankfurter has more protein horsepower than three dozen eggs and twelve bowls of nuts. Miller’s Colossal Beef Frankfurters are ALL BEEF, natural casing, gluten free, and hickory smoked. They’re made from fresh steer meat and other body parts that hold everything together. And they’re good for you too because they’re cooked, processed, rolled, and glazed with hickory smoke. How do they glaze smoke? Beats me. But these franks are mmmm….good. Planning a BBQ? Amaze your friends and show them you care with Miller’s Colossal Beef Frankfurters. Buy a case today.

colossally large frankfurterMILLER COLOSSAL BEEF FRANKFURTERS – TAKE 2

Hi there, I’m Eric Miller, creator, author and editor of the Etc.Guy blog. I’m a married father of two daughters who’s trapped in a house full of estrogen but lives to tell the story. I’m also a terrible cook who part-takes in eating factory prepared products for dinner, especially in a pinch. Like tonight. And like these: Miller’s Colossal Beef Frankfurters. Though I’m an unofficial spokesperson for Miller’s Colossal Beef Frankfurters I still pitch their franks. Why? Because, Miller’s Colossal Beef Frankfurters are mmmm…. good… Made from real animals (not from cereal, tofu, or veggies), Miller’s Colossal Beef Frankfurters pack more energy than a case of Clif Bars. They’re HUGE. That’s a 30 inch pot! I tossed in two franks, an area of nearly two square feet, and needed 22 BTU’s to cook ‘em. They’re not only good for ya but good on ya. My daily dose of simvastatin dissolves ‘em no sweat. Ain’t any soy in them rascals, no, no, no. Serve up Miller’s Colossal Beef Frankfurters at your next party. Amaze your friends and make an impression they’ll never forget. It’s summer. Get yours today.

Sharks vs Avs stanley cup 2019MILLER COLOSSAL BEEF FRANKFURTERS – TAKE 3

Hi, Eric Miller here, unofficial, unsolicited, unrelated, and uncompensated spokesman for Miller’s Beef Colossal Frankfurters, the BEST franks in the Northern Hemisphere. You know what else is happening north of the equator? Stanley Cup playoffs! My two favorite teams, the San Jose Sharks and Colorado Avalanche, are butting heads in their Game 7 final. Who’ll win? I don’t know. But I’ll send each player on the losing team a pack of these, Miller’s Colossal Beef Hot Links. How “hot” are these dudes? Hot, HOT I tell ya. Just one pack of Miller’s Colossal Beef Hot Links can melt a hockey rink.  Or an iceberg.  Don’t mess around with knock-off hotdogs. Try Miller’s Colossal Beef Hot Links today.

etcguy Miller hot linksPS The Sharks lead the Avalanche 3-1 after the second period. If Colorado loses, guess I’m air shipping two dozen packs of Miller’s Colossal Beef Hot Links to Denver.

PPS  The Sharks beat the Avalanche 3-2.  There goes the Rocky Mountain snowpack….

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Visit my Etc. Guy Facebook page if you have time.  The 500th person to “like” my site gets a free pack of guess what?  Why, Miller’s Colossal Beef Frankfurters of course…

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