A lousy marketer I am. If I was smarter, and I wish I was, I’d have written this post last month as a shameless ploy to sell my book Let Me Tell You a Story. Oh, I’ll still plug the book [BUY MY BOOK] but let’s be realistic. Earth is full of funny story tellers whether you’re with friends gathered around a campfire or chatting next to a stranger in coach. For your amusement I’ve listed several of my favorite writers [BUY MY BOOK] who I’ve listed alphabetically by height. I’m sure they’ll still be funny in 2017. (more…)
(Hockey Player Magazine, December 2016)
Every team has one. Whether its baseball, basketball or badminton, there’s always that one guy who doesn’t quite enmesh locker room society. Maybe it’s his or her lousy jokes, bad breath, or that they wear turtlenecks year round. For me it was Marvin Smellmoore’s nose. The average length of an adult nose is about 5.8 centimeters, two-thirds the diameter of a hockey puck. Marv’s beak, shy of 8 centimeters, poked outside his helmet’s cage. Migrant birds eyed Marv’s nose as a potential perch. (more…)
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. Dave Barry
Just experimenting here with this post but as you can tell I’m a huge Dave Barry fan. For more on Dave Barry and my quest to find humor writers see my Humor Project story, published in August 2013. Currently penning two stories…feel free to visit the Etc.Guy Facebook page in the meantime. Over and out. For now.
October 27, 2016
“A new world ranking of countries and their literacy rates puts the United States at 7th. Who’s No. 1? Finland.” Source: The Washington Post, March 8, 2016
Now there’s a bit of trivia I didn’t know. And it was published by a renowned newspaper for others to read so it must be true, or at least is mostly accurate. At minimum it makes one ponder. Fortunately the USA is in the top ten but we can do better. Think about it. Without the printed word we’d have nothing but space, blank space. All you’d see is a bunch of black ink, dots, and squiggly lines. (more…)
October 1, 2016
Kate introduced me to them. Our SUV, loaded with ski gear, skidded over a snowy highway. We caught glimpses of powder covered peaks between wind blasts. I didn’t mind the weather—I enjoy winter driving so long as crazy people don’t hit me. Kate inserted a CD and I daydreamed. The music calmed me into a Zen-like trance, the keyboards, guitar and bass pulsing at each mile post.
“Who is this group?”
So thrilled to support the 10th Annual Butte County Trivia Bee on Friday October 28, 2016. The event will be held in the Sierra Nevada Brewery “Big Room” (Chico, California). All proceeds support Adult Literacy Programming. Last year I co-emceed the event which had a turnout of nearly 400. Great fun. I’ll co-emcee again this year. Though I wear size 8 shoes and have a size 13 mouth, I think I can behave myself…..More info to come.
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August 25, 2016
In the dictionary there are words for everything. Dave Barry
Every person has their guy.
The three of us loitered outside the concert hall killing time. Jane and Peg, music moms, stood with arms crossed and discussed car problems. Jane gushed about her guy as I walked up.
“He’s the best,” Jane said, her eyes beaming like sun rays. “My Volvo has 450,000 miles. My guy fixes brakes, radiators, rebuilds engines…sigh…he even folds shop towels.” Jane’s eyes glistened and I saw my reflection. She clasped her hands, “Ooooh, there’s no one like him.” (more…)
July 12, 2016
I love to go to Washington. If only to be near my money.
(Bob Hope)
Our family debates are more introspective than lively, more on her end than mine. Maybe I’m just cynical. But discussing the upcoming Presidential election with my voting age college daughter isn’t boring. She leans further left than me, with her youthful, trusting, and idealistic viewpoint, but considering our choices I don’t want to vote for either candidate. The billionaire braggart, born more than halfway between third base and home plate, offends me. I’m never impressed with people who are impressed with themselves. (more…)
Note: This article appeared in various newspapers and magazines. We’re in the season of Mother’s and Father’s Days and I wanted to share it again. This story is dedicated to parents.
I don’t remember my parents pursuing fun. They worked too hard. Nor did they understand the concept of a bucket list. The buckets we used carried paint. (more…)
May 20, 2016
Hockey Player Magazine, May 2016
It’s only an eight game schedule but my body thinks otherwise—the season feels like 80 games. My legs burn with each stride while my lungs gasp for more air than a carburetor. But we’re in the playoffs and complaining is for sissies. Everybody’s whipped, even our rivals, and it’s time to separate the wheat from the chaff. Lose two games and we’re out until September. No one wants to hang up their skates in early May.
My Blazers entered the playoffs in the middle of the pack and I’m the middle-aged guy in our pack chasing players ten to thirty years younger. I’m a forechecker and harass opponents trying to break out of their zone. I chase, because with higher mileage and less horsepower, I’m easily caught by the younger bucks.
I enjoy my role though I pine for more offensive thrust. An unspoken scoring tension occurs during my shift similar to sexual tension in a PG movie where no one has sex. My Blazer buddies resting on the bench have no idea whether I’ll score. Tension. (more…)